I hate getting sick.
I am one of those people who can bypass everyone else’s sickness. Aside from the occasional stress headache or upset stomach, I have a Teflon immune system – nothing sticks. So, when my fiance brought home a particularly evil head cold I figured I would be safe.
A whole week went by without any symptoms and I felt like I was in the home stretch. Then, on a weekend it hit. Suddenly I felt overly tired, took a nap on the couch, and woke up with a disease. My body ached and my nose started to stuff up. Still, I stayed in denial and decided that it was just a minor sinus irritation from the event I went to the night before.
The fiance and I had dinner outside at a local venue and people were smoking in the vicinity of our table. Plus, I started burning a strongly scented vanilla candle before I took a nap on the couch. Logically, the two irritants seemed like the culprit. So, I trudged forward and kept going at my usual pace pretending nothing was wrong.
But the sickness won.
I woke up the next morning feeling even worse than the day before. Inevitably, I had to admit to myself that I had caught the evil head cold and that I was going to be miserable for at least a week. This did not sit well with me -not even a little bit.
When my fiance gets sick he powers through it. Besides being a little bit down and going to bed early he still goes about his life like nothing is wrong. When I get sick it’s a friggin’ production. I turn into a whiny, overbearing, bossy breeder of doom. I don’t like being uncomfortable in my own body and every ache and sniffle turns into a bitchfest of epic proportions.
Did I mention I get bossy?
I want tissues, the soft kind with lotion. I want toasted gluten-free raisin bread with almond butter. I want cough drops but only the lemon and honey kind. I want spicy cinnamon tea. I want more pillows. I want more hot water in the shower. I want bananas. I want hot and sour soup. I want a hot compress for my swollen eyes.
I WANT TO FEEL BETTER! I know it’s only been a day but WHY DON’T I FEEL BETTER?
Luckily, the fiance knows that I am a high maintenance patient and let me be bossy and bitchy. And emotional. OMG, I am emotional when I am sick. Everything makes me cry.
I realize that I probably made my condition worse because I clearly did not accept the state of my body – the state of my being as a whole. My brain fogged up and my mental faculties went at half-mast. All I had was my unbalanced body, my unbalanced emotions, my unbalanced mental processes.
Then I lost my voice.
That’s when it all started to sink in. I have no voice…Where is my voice? Who am I? What the hell do I stand for?
Anyone who has ever gotten a reading from me knows that I am outspoken. I am pretty straight forward and I don’t hold back. I just tell you how it is. In my work as a psychic I have to speak the truth all the time. I am super focused on making sure what I say is not filtered through any of my own judgment or preconceived notions.
The truth really does set you free.
However, in my everyday life, I am not that outspoken. I have to know you in order to really speak my truth. I am not an extrovert. I reserve my soapbox for those I know are not going to crucify me.
It’s a safety mechanism since in the past I have gotten in a lot of trouble for speaking my mind. I have always been told that my thoughts don’t count. Or that what I felt didn’t matter. Unless you are in a constant state of chaos or crazy you don’t get noticed in my family. There was always someone with a bigger crisis or a bigger mouth who trampled over me.
I have always been aware of the irony that I am able to speak other people’s truth but hide my own. It’s not that I don’t know myself. I am hyper aware to the point of ridiculousness. I know why I have the fears I do. I know where and why I am blocked. I understand all of my neuroses and dysfunctions. I could give you an oral history (with a timeline, charts, and graphs) of how I become the person I am today.
And yet you would think that I would be more vocal about it. It is here that I must laugh out loud at my own fear. You see, just because I understand it doesn’t mean that I am ready to do anything about it. Therein lies the crux of my evolution.
During this last Mercury Retrograde in Scorpio, I had an awakening of sorts. It’s not surprising as Scorpio is the sign of transformation, death, and rebirth. Emotionally, the retrograde challenged me. I let myself open up and take some risks. I let myself be challenged. I really started to put myself out there in this completely different way.
Vulnerability. Yes, I embraced it. I waded in the deep waters of my fear and felt the uncomfortable feelings of not having any solid ground underneath me. For a second, I felt the freedom and it felt really good.
Then I got thrown a curve ball. An issue arose where I had to bite my tongue and it incensed me. I wanted to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but I didn’t. Suddenly, that old feeling of being put in my place came back. I seethed. I squirmed. I toiled under the pressure of the unspoken words. Instead, of letting it destroy me I made a decision to change the situation through action. It was an instinctive “from the hip” action that came purely from intuition. I didn’t think. I just did what I felt I needed to do and solved the problem with change.
Big ass change.
It’s no surprise the very next afternoon I got sick and two days later I lost my voice. I had to be reminded of the sensation of not being able to speak. I had to be reminded of how awful it felt not to have a voice. It scared the hell out of me.
So, I cried. I cried a lot. I had to grieve the loss in order to be reborn. I had to feel the sadness so that I don’t ever have to feel it again. I let myself cry. I let myself whine. I let myself be bossy. I let myself have the attention. I let myself ask for every little thing that I needed.
I let myself be noticed. I let myself matter.
I yelled a lot, “I DON’T FEEL GOOD.” And there was something liberating about that because it wasn’t just my body. It was my whole being. I was letting it be known that all was not okay in my Universe.
I promised this was going to be the last time that I don’t get heard. No turning back. I am worth more. I have value. My thoughts matter. I am here on this Earth because I have something to say.
Big. Bold. Loud.
Normally, I would never write about the inner workings of myself. Vulnerability is not my strong suit but I realized I have to walk the walk. Every day, I do journey sessions with women where I give them their voice back. I make them important. I remind them that they do matter. I help solve problems and provide answers. Real answers. Not the bullshit fluff stuff. No, I get to the heart of the matter.
It’s time I do the same for myself.
Baby steps. The little things we do create the bigger picture. I am taking baby steps. I am on the same journey as you. I am speaking my truth. For the first time, I am letting my voice be heard.
I am resolved.
*originally written in 2016.